There are Top 100 lists everywhere. Producing countdowns of the greatest X, Y or Z seems to be the business model for many previously-respectable print-media brands and there are endless TV shows which go on for HOURS (or multiple episodes) which purport to show you the Greatest British Comedies of All Time, the 50 Most Shocking TV Moments or Haircuts We Wish We Could Forget. Suffice to say these things are popular and, via the insipid and ever-intrusive medium of the internet, will continue to be clickbait sidebar ads into the foreseeable future. So you presume I’m thinking “if you can’t beat them, join them.” Well, yes and no. I’ve done a few Top WHATEVER countdowns in the past, but this one is different and, I reckon, borderline innovative. Not only has it made me think about music I already like, but has involved a good, hard look at music previously unknown to me. I therefore present…
The Top 100 Songs of All Time, Where the Song Contains the Actual Number from its Position in the Chart. It’s not catchy and probably won’t be any good either. Effectively, these are the best songs that I know of for the numbers 1-100. It’s a countdown (obvs) with the more generic/well-known tracks generally appearing towards the end.

It’s also quite long, so I’ve split it into four separate parts. This means you can get excited about the next part (or not).

100. Ocean Colour Scene – Hundred Mile High City

Much like the opening scenes of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, this countdown starts with Ocean Colour Scene’s joint biggest UK hit (at #4, the same as the rather pedestrian The Day We Caught the Train). What can I say, it’s got a driving riff, a high tempo, a long whistle blast in the middle and apparent influences stretching from CCR to Queen.

99.  Nena – 99 Luftballons v. Jay-Z – 99 Problems

One song in and we’ve got a good ol’ fashioned Mexican standoff. Two great tracks, political in different ways and both well-known. In terms of popularity, Nena’s song went to number one everywhere important (West Germany, UK, Netherlands, Japan, Canada, Sweden, New Zealand etc…) and hit #2 in the US, whereas Jay-Z’s offering ‘only’ got to #12 in the UK and #30 in the US. However, I feel like the choice of version is pretty important as IMHO the original German 99 Luftballons should be counted as it’s much better/more Prussian than the 99 Red Balloons English-pandering edition. Similarly, the DJ Dangermouse remix of 99 Problems from the excellent Grey Album which incorporates amazing bass from The Beatles’ Helter Skelter is the version of choice because, had that been the original single release, I imagine Jay-Z’s international chart-placings would have been much better (I’m going to gently ignore the Linkin Park mash-up).

So, in a failed attempt to make this concise, I’m going to settle on Nena and her many nuclear-incident-triggering stücklistensymbols (another fun German word for Balloons). This is primarily for three reasons. Firstly, Jay-Z took the whole refrain “I Got 99 Problems but a bitch ain’t one” from Ice-T’s 99 Problems which itself was an earlier, more rough-and-ready incarnation of Jay-Z’s later hit Girls, Girls, Girls. Secondly, the ‘good’ version is a super-compilation of The Beatles and Dangermouse. Thirdly, charts, and whilst I generally don’t trust them, Jay-Z didn’t even feature in the Schweizer Hitparade.

Winner: Nena – 99 Luftballons

98. Fear of Pop – Slow Jam ’98

This track is just fun atmospheric nonsense taken from the album Volume I by the short-lived experimental rock band, Fear of Pop. Essentially, a load of musicians were herded together by/with Ben Folds and made to play music. I feel like the album is really a soundtrack without a film to hang it on, but Slow Jam ’98 is nicely chilled, jazz-cool and perhaps a little melancholy. Who knows what the car crash is about and whether the film in my head will ever get made?

97. Tori Amos – ’97 Bonnie & Clyde

Here’s a point of clarification. I’m quite happy including ’97 Bonnie & Clyde and the above Slow Jam ’98 because the numbers are part of the title and not a suffix to indicate the year of a later remix (like Three Lions ’98 or the unfortunate Puff Daddy-remixed Roxanne ’97).

Anywho, this song is clearly an Eminem classic from his second album The Slim Shady LP yet, despite all he did to innovate rap tracks, the Tori Amos rendition is something else. By ‘something else,’ I mean genuinely terrifying. If someone managed to distil the essence of Gabby Gabby from Toy Story 4, the twins from The Shining and the general atmosphere of von Trier’s melancholia, then gave it a voice and set it to a soundtrack of ever-building tension, that’s what this is. Kill it. Kill it until it’s dead.

Great song though and, while we’re here, great album.

96. Third World – 1865 (96 Degrees in the Shade)

A reggae classic about Paul Bogle, a Baptist deacon, activist for improving the lives of the poor, campaigner against social injustice and official National Hero of Jamaica. He was executed in 1865 by British Authorities following the Morant Bay Rebellion. The song itself is one of those beautifully understated reggae tracks that infuses a wholly pleasant beat and refrain with a strong message. It’s like a lemon meringue pie. I feel like I don’t need to explain that any further.

In related news, I’ve just realised that the best possible interpretation of Now That We’ve Found Love was by Third World. Good to know.

95. Happy Rollers – 95 Style

Now I’m not fully au fait with the nomenclature used to differentiate between forms of electronic music. I’m sure it’s all to do with BPM or something. However, what I do know is that this is almost 150% Happy Hardcore. What I don’t understand is why it’s so good. At first it sounds like some proper old-school Jungle, then BOOM (or whatever the high-pitched equivalent of BOOM is) in come the electro-horns turned right up to ‘chipmunk.’ I understand that the sample “just getting warm” is from LL Cool J’s Mama Said Knock You Out which, when you listen to them side-by-side, makes surprising sense.

On reflection I’m going to say breakbeat. I feel like happy hardcore, at least in this case, is strongly related to breakbeat. I therefore like this track. I like it a lot. It’s only been about 25 years but I suddenly ‘get’ (some) happy hardcore.

94. Figlub Brazlevic – Stoned 94

At first I wanted to put Appartement 94 by Linda Feller or Freaky 94 by Leon Hayward in the strange hope that someone would listen to them, in a rick-rolling kind of way (spoiler alert, they’re bad). However, I’ve actually chosen a chilled hip-hop instrumental by Figub Brazlevic, German record producer and founder of various labels. It’s funky, it’s light, it’s close to trip-hop and it somewhat puts me in mind of MF Doom (which is always a good thing).

Honourable Mention : Apollo Brown & Che’ Noir – ’94

93. Dananananaykroyd – 1993

Why do the good die young? Not that anyone pertinent died (that I know of). But Dananananaykroyd were stunning. They harnessed rapid, incessant noise, riding waves of up-tempo beats, combined two drummers and (often) two screaming vocalists to make something beautifully, brutifally harmonious. Practically every song was a Greek classical epic, encompassing multiple phases and chapters. 1993 is a suitable example of their revisionist approach to practically all classic rock, accentuated by sometimes almost stately rhythms interspersed with engaging, screaming/singing. The song then turns into a broken-down, chilled vocal harmony before its ‘traditional’ rock ending. Shame the band really didn’t last long enough. Perhaps they were too great.

92. Counting Crows – 1492

I would rather hope that this track needs no further explanation as it’s probably one of the greatest songs ever. I even like the short section where Counting Crows channel the Foo Fighters whilst Adam Duritz sings “I am the King of everything, I am the King of nothing.” It’s worth reading the wikipedia entry where Duritz (really vaguely) explains the songs origin; to precis massively “this is a song about American history and Italian discovery, and tranny whores” as all good songs are.

91. Limbeck – ’91 Honda

It may face surprisingly little competition but this is definitely the best song ever written about going through the process of keeping a car serviced and on the road. It may also be the best song about a Honda hatchback, finding a decent mechanic and ensuring your vehicle complies with state-mandated emissions levels. It’s twangy, fun, somewhat irreverent and showcases the alternative country/pop-punk stylings of, the intermittently-defunct, Limbeck.

90. Big Youth – S-90 Skank

Second Honda-based tune in a row. This time not a hatchback, but the Sport 90 motorcycle which was very popular in Jamaica in the 60s. Rightly so too, it’s like a tiny cafe racer based on the Super Cub 90. The bike certainly deserves a good skank and Big Youth dragged one into the studio (a Honda S90, not a big skank) so he could kick off the track with the sound of the engine revving. Otherwise it’s a chilled skank with Big Youth just chatting nonsense and making a few outstanding noises over the top. A final point: whilst Big Youth is a good sobriquet, it seems somewhat unnecessary when one already possesses the name Manley Augustus Buchanan.

89. R.E.M. – Pop Song 89

Very dry, very kitsch, totally R.E.M. Michael Stipe directed the slightly controversial original video which contains topless women, horrendous 80s trousers, and the R.E.M. frontman with a lot of actual glorious hair. It just seems very tongue-in-cheek with the chorus “shall we talk about the weather” and “Hi Hi Hi Hi” being deadpan funny. Stipe later described the song as “a complete piss-take” designed as the “last pop song ever.” That said it does all the things you’d want a pop song to do; it is easy to listen to and catchy with the video imbuing it with a kind of psychedelic 60s Rolling Stones versus yé-yé pop vibe. I also like how the ending sting makes you want to say “pop song 89.” That’s all.

88. Wale – 88

#88 was the subject of some serious contemplation as there was a good choice of songs including 88 days by Robyn and Make It 88 by The Drunken Arseholes. However, the real decision boiled down to whether the Route 88 (extended version) of I Refuse by Hue & Cry really qualified as a contender for Wale’s 88. Although I love Hue & Cry, I felt it fell into something of a grey area… plus, even if it did fit the criteria like a particularly snug glove, I’m pretty sure it can’t challenge this rap classic. I said it. I don’t care that it wasn’t even released as a single ’cause the album “The Gifted” went straight to #1 on the US Billboard charts. Also, when you consider that Drake’s interestingly-named Started from the Bottom was a US #1 song (#25 in the UK) and that is essentially a poor man’s version of 88 (Wale is much more upbeat, absolutely-party-ready, lyrically more interesting, not Drake-sounding…) then you can ignore the fact it’s ‘just’ an album track. Definitely one to play with the windows down and the system up.

87. David Bowie – ’87 & Cry

There are a number of plus points here: it’s Bowie, it’s apparently criticising Margaret Thatcher, it contains the line “you can’t make love with money.” It comes from the not un-maligned album Never Let Me Down (apparently Bowie described it as his “nadir,” ouch), but it’s pretty punchy and doesn’t do too much wrong. It starts off with a genuine rock intro and would have fit quite happily into any of the Back to the Future films I’m sure. Especially that one where Marty McFly criticises the growing inequality of a Thatcher-led Conservative Britain (who am I trying to kid, that was clearly the underlying message of all of the Back to the Future films).

86. Green Day – 86

Is there a bad song on Insomniac? No. No there isn’t. 86 is a great song which apparently references the American slang term for cancelling something, killing something or generally refusing service. It may or may not have come from “soda-fountain lingo” where 86 meant they were ‘all out’ of something. It may also be related to electrical power schematics (stay with me) where 86 represents a lock-out device or master trip relay. However, according to many sources on the internet, Green Day are specifically referencing their rejection by the punk community (particularly the 924 Gilman Street Project) for generally ‘selling out.’ It’s classic Green Day, ever-driving, ever-euphoric, mosh-inducing, three-chord American punk at its simple best. What’s not to like?

85. Rilo Kiley – 85

Rilo Kiley are perhaps at their best when expressing their particular brand of tragic melancholy which somehow admits moments of misplaced hope and youthful optimism. It feels like California surf-rock has got mixed with pop then covered by goths who wear tie-dyed t-shirts. I’m not sure if lyrics like “I’ve been a mess for some time now / I get what I deserve” are painful, wistful or alternatively amused by the world and everyone’s regularly unenjoyable experience of it. You just want to get the whole song and give it a hug, although you know it wouldn’t do it, or you, any good.

84. Somali Yacht Club – 84 Days

Do you know what doesn’t get enough radio air-time? Ukrainian rock bands. The #84 position may not have had a lot of true competition, with only David Bowie’s Theme from Shaft-a-like, 1984 and DJ D’s Tha 84 Swanga (the hip-hop equivalent of the Cha-Cha Slide) getting a look in. However, 84 Days by the SYC (there you go, I’ve already abbreviated them) is atmospheric and builds to a satisfying finish. I want to compare them with someone, but can’t think who it is. However, be assured that the comparison is favourable to all concerned. It may be Violent Femmes

83. Countdown Quartet – 83 GLC

I’m pre-programmed to enjoy this because A. it sounds like New Orleans funk, and B. Jimbo Mathus, from the Squirrel Nut Zippers, is an integral part of this jam band. Like so many American songs containing numbers, this is ostensibly about a particular car from a particular year. Still, it’s super funky, filled with happy horns and proper grooves. If you like upbeat funk and soul, and plenty of brass, you’ll like this.

82. Furthermore – Eighty-Two

I love when a band/artist has some mixed-up genre tags. Initially heralded as a hip-hop duo, Furthermore seem to fall under the genres of Pop/Rock, Rap, Electronic and… Religious. Finally, some contemporary Christian hip-hop on the list. Eighty-Two has an AMAZING jarring, rapid-cut beat that wouldn’t be out of place in the hands of Dan Le Sac. I also LOVE the extended pause after the first verse, it’s long enough to be confusing and proof that silence is indeed golden. Lots of bands employ a sudden stop for effect, but I can’t think of any which are used quite this well. The refrain is catchy, the message seems good natured and having used full caps twice during this description, I can safely affirm that I like it the full amount.

81. Miles Davis – Eighty-One

I don’t know enough about jazz to tell you exactly what Miles Davis is doing, but I know enough about jazz to tell you he’s doing it properly. Eighty-One was released on the album ESP in 1965 which, apparently, was “[tilted] towards hard bop” although “the difference between this album and hard bop from the early 60s is remarkable.” Exactly what I was thinking… From my perspective, the musicians all sound tight and ‘on point.’ It doesn’t drift, or get sidetracked by itself, but ploughs a deep furrow, rich in delicious natural elements. Also, got to love a sudden intermediary change of pace. Nice.

80. Regina Spektor – Dance Anthem of the 80s

Do I have to describe this? Fair enough. Regina Spektor has the most fun voice, the music is perhaps slightly parodic of 80s dance hits, particularly the one-note tapping intro and electronic choir-setting keyboard ‘solo’ in the middle. It has a lovely natural cadence which works towards an intense few moments where the piano gets louder, the chords sound like drums and Spektor’s voice is paired with an electro-tinged harmony. It’s playful, dancy and, as always, benefits from the singer’s exceptional voice. Just enjoy it and don’t ask the internet what it means, ’cause people have opinions on that, and people are largely awful/stupid.

Honourable Mention: Tori Amos – Glory of the 80s

79. Charles Wilp – Size 178-79-55-91

Charles Wilp wasn’t a musician, he was a German advertising designer, photographer and artist. However, he released an album which credited him as the producer although the music was by one Marvin Martin (a name which is begging to be mixed up). The album Fotografiert Bunny is an absolute triumph in 1960s objectification which would fit happily into any sexploitation film (or James Bond film, same thing). Gainsbourg-esque, the song contains many sexy noises and is accompanied on the album by such classics as Beautiful Bald Woman, Bunny, Close-Up, Silky Stockings and Nanci for Soft-Ice. It’s certainly ‘of its time’ but actually quite chilled and fun. Also, it’s worth including simply because it exists at all.

78. Uncommonmenfrommars – 78

Although they sound like a classic American punk/pop-punk group, they’re actually totally French. This particular track is loud and uncompromising. Seemingly a paean to The Ramones, it hits you fast and hard, then turns seemlessly into Sheena is a Punk Rocker. It rocks. One of the most fun things about Uncommonmenfrommars is the stage names of the band members: Motor Ed, Trint Eastwood, Big Jim and Daff Lepard. Respect.

77. The Herd – 77%

Political Australian Hip-Hop? Check. Yes, it’s got amazing bass throughout. Yes, it’s got squelchy wah guitar like a 70s B-Movie. Yes, the rap is undeniably Australian. What makes this track though is the catchy, repetitive (but not in a bad way) chorus which decries Australian racism following refugees being refused in the MV Tampa Incident of 2001. It’s angry. They use the C-word a lot. It’s all fully justified. “Wake up. This country needs a fucking shake-up.” Definitely the best #77 track, but on the list for most hard-hitting political song as well.

76. Crowd Company – 76 Express

It may sound like a funky soul soundtrack to a 70s multiple-car chase through Chicago, but Crowd Company are actually an 8-piece jazz band from London. It’s up-tempo, it’s filled with horns, the organ tinkering is expert and, given half a chance, it’ll groove your face clean off. It’s also an absolutely devastating running track, capable of pushing you beyond your limits. A monster.

….

So, that’s the end of the first part. Already it has taken forever. I have now gone back and included links to the songs throughout this post. I’ve tried to make them the best/most official versions. The second part is also now live…