Fair warning, this contains spoliers throughout. Not really sure how to discuss it otherwise. It’s, you’ve guessed it, another horror film. This time it’s called X (2022), which naturally raises the question: is it as terrifying as what Elon Musk has done to Twitter? The answer is obviously no.

I tell you what is terrifying though. Old age. I tell you what else is terrifying. Intimacy. Put the two together and what do you get? Old age + intimacy = terrifying squared. That’s the theory anyway.

We’re like a foxy car wreck.

The film has what seems to be a pretty straightforward slasher set-up: a group of (generally) young people rent a cabin on a farm to make a porno in the 1970s. The farm is owned by creepy old people (who, in classic horror fashion, are both creepy because they’re old, and creepy). There’s a slow build up followed by multiple murders.

Are there any lessons to be learned? Don’t trust old people, that’s how they get close to you. If a film mentions Psycho earlier in the piece, it will then cement that with strong swamp/car combinations later. If a film mentions The Shining earlier in the piece, it will then cement that with strong axe/door combinations later. Farms are dangerous places. Don’t walk around with your shoes off (although surely Die Hard taught us that). Sex is important/arbitrary/terrifying/disgusting.

So nudity then? Yes. It’s a horror film. Also it’s about making a porno. Also it has Mia Goth in it (from Infinity Pool that we watched earlier in this lamentable series). Now I’ve started to believe that the general nakedness (often unnecessary) found in horror films is the result of two things. Firstly, the time-honoured axis of sex and death that literally everyone has flogged since before Chaucer (and is unabashedly flogged further in X). Secondly, (and this is what I’d called an informed guess) the likelihood of horror flicks being made as ‘make out’ films, for young, horny 1960s teenagers to watch in big cars at drive-in movie theatres whilst presumably getting to 2nd base, or 3rd base (as a non-American I don’t know the base system of sexual conquest). The whole added gratutious nudity element presumably helps to get everyone in the mood. On this point, whilst X appears to start going down that route, it really is not a film to put you in the mood for coitous (well, I really hope it doesn’t). It seems to both condone sexual liberty and try its darnedest to put you off it at the same time.

What are the best bits (intentionally-vague slight-spoilers)? The relatively slow-moving old people make it a bit like an old-school zombie flick, where the danger is coming at slow speed, but you still apparently can’t escape it. The crocodile set-up is nice. The neck-stabbing leaves little to the imagination. As a slasher movie, you get what you expect from it.

What are the worst bits? I’m not sure what the message was. Throwing in religion just seems to complicate that sentiment further. I’m not sure Mia Goth also had to be the old woman, but there’s a prequel which adds sense to the situation. It’s quite predictable, not completely, but mainly.

Is it a horror? Yes. Slasher horror. A few minor jumps, a decent dose of gore. Some general terror at the horrors of ageing.

Is it scary? No. But, then again, what is?

Are you going to watch the prequel? Possibly.