Once again we decided to watch an apparent all-time horror movie great. Once again, we expected to see something half-decent. Once again we were disappointed. Having already watched 11 horror films in a row, I thought I’d understood the genre enough to lower all expectations, even in the face of otherwise stellar reviews (#11 on TimeOut, #20 on Empire, a 7.3 rating on IMDB). I couldn’t be more wrong. This might be the worst film I’ve ever seen. Welcome to Suspiria (1977).

I once read that names which begin with the letter ‘S’ are the names of SNAKES! Sssss! Ssssss!

The soundstrack, whilst loosely reminiscient of Tubular Bells from The Exorcist, was far more repetitive and LOUD. It’s like the director decided that anytime there needed to be a frightening situation, the music should just be played super loud. From practically the very first scene, super loud, jarring music. Don’t worry about building character, atmosphere, or any sort of storyline, just super-loud music. This film went nowhere, was incredibly boring and, once it had decided to be about witches, was immensely predictable.

Director: Should we go somewhere with this?

Someone else: Probably. What about suddenly mentioning witches and making that a thing?

Director: Yes. Let’s do that.

Someone else: What did you say? This music is really unnecessarily loud.

What are the best bits (intentionally-vague slight-spoilers)? The end. The knowledge that when it has ended you don’t have to watch any more of it. The setting was almost good, but then you spend literally minutes with the camera fixed on something banal whilst SUPERLOUD repetitive music plays, which soon makes the whole setting just annoying. Unnecessary, impractical and unlikely chatting whilst swimming was the best bit, although it was typically broken up by a pointless long single shot where nothing happens and loud repetitive music plays.

What are the worst bits? All of it. I know that’s not very helpful, but there are genuinely no redeeming features. It’s not “so bad it’s good,” it’s just bad. A waste of life. Don’t watch it. Don’t watch it ironically. Don’t be mislead by the reviews or the assumption that there must be something about it that makes it worthwhile. It’s shit. I hate that it was made in the first place. I hate even more that I had to watch it. I will always hate this film.

So are you going to watch the 2018 remake? Good question. The remake has Tilda Swinton, Chloe Grace Moritz, Dakota Johnson and, apparently like all modern horror, Mia Goth in it. Also it just CAN’T be as bad as the original. Whether I’m willing to risk two and a half hours of my life finding out, I’m not sure. The original was such a horrific experience (and by horrific, I mean boring) that I almost never want to see a film again, let alone one called Suspiria.

After such an experience, can you keep watching horror films? To be honest, I’d rather not. If Suspiria, The Thing, The Wicker Man and (to a much lesser extent) Psycho are representative of the pantheon of exceptional horror movies, then I’m truly ‘on a hiding to nothing.’ However, this is a challenge I willingly accepted and, if nothing else, finishing the month will prove that my previous reticence to watching horror films was perfectly justified and that I can dispense with them in the future. I don’t want to say that horror=bad, but empirical evidence is starting to make it seem that way.

You can’t mean that, can you? Maybe not. It’s just Suspiria was so bad. Ask me again tomorrow.